whynotme's Cancer Blog
June 11, 2008
| why not me | Views: 258 |
On November 16, 2007 I was told that I have breast cancer. I waited a year to have a mammogram done because doctors told me that the lump I found was no big deal, probably just a cyst. Even though the doctors that I went to at the time kind of suggested that I go and have a mammogram, they also made me fill like it would be a wasted trip, at times I even felt as though I was wasting the doctors time. I waited a year to go see another doctor and this was only because the lump that I had previously found was beginning to grow very rapidly. The doctor insisted that I go and have a mammogram, almost to the point of making me fill stupid for waiting, I owe that doctor a lot. I have stage two breast cancer. I now have an amazing doctor, and I know everything will be OK.
I think that the reason the doctors thought that I was not in danger of having cancer was because I am only thirty years old, and I have no family history of breast cancer. I really have no excuse for waiting so long to have a mammogram and a ultrasound. I think for most women it’s a relief to hear a doctor say “oh, it’s nothing.” We very rarely think about, the faint chance that it could be something more. I am here to say, PLEASE DON’T WAIT! No matter what you’re doctor says, no matter how good you feel, no matter what your family history is, get the test done. Most of the time it is nothing, but if you catch “something” early, even cancer could be no big deal.
My mother was the hardest person to tell that I have cancer. My mother is a very religious, and doesn’t believe that you should “claim things.” Until this day she still cannot say the word cancer when she talks to me. She gets mad if I call “that thing in my chest” cancer. She still does not believe that I have cancer, and she doesn’t want me to say that I have cancer. This kind of positive, miracle driven attitude should help me, but it just makes me mad. If it was not for all the stories that I’ve read about what different women have gone through, stories of triumph, stories of pain, I would not know what the hell I’m getting ready to endure. I appreciate and respect any woman who owns her cancer and is not afraid to fight it. Not claiming it to me would be like giving up, and that would make me depressed, Anyway, how are supposed to know that there’s something wrong with you and not find out more about it. When I first felt the lump I didn’t automatically say “Oh my God, I have cancer,” in fact I really didn’t worry too much at all about. But now that I know that I have cancer, I can share my story with others. I can start to treat my body better than I have been. As weird and morbid as it may sound I fill like I actually have something to live for, to fight, to overcome, and to help others. I am claiming what I have because I am not afraid to have a conversation with God as to why I was chosen to endure this. I was always taught that you shouldn’t ask God why. But I believe that in certain situations God may be waiting for you too ask why.
I do not believe that I will die from this. I do not believe that I am being punished for anything. I believe that everything happens for some reason, and somethings lead to life changing journeys, and some things will never make any sense to me at all. Maybe I was chosen because someone else could not have handled it the way I have. Maybe I needed a wake up call. Maybe I needed to see that life is too short. If I had not have had this experience I would not have had the chance to take inventory of my life. I was forced to see that I haven’t done much, at least by my standards. I am a good friend, a funny person, a considerate human being, but is that enough? I used to write poetry. I used to be creative and inspired. I used to see the glass as half full. Until now the only glass in my life that was half full had vodka in it. Too often work becomes life. We live to work, we don’t work to live. I think a lot of people, including myself sit around and wait for life to happen. We consider the talent that God has given us to small, or too insignificant to share with the rest of the world. We think that people will laugh at our ability, because it’s not what is considered excellence. I think a lot of us are just waiting to die, and hoping that eventually something will come along that will make that feeling go away. I have learned that you can make your life happen, or it will happen to you. You also have to figure out what’s important to you. You’re opinion of a full, beautiful life may be different from those around you. Are you living to fulfill someone else’s expectation of what a full life should consist of, or are you willing to step out of the cookie cutter and become the shape you were meant to be.
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